A Surprising Turn of Events
by Spikevampluva
Summary: Spike's been flambayed, made to wear tacky novelty jewellery, and spent his days incorporal in the company bathroom, but the fates aren't done with him yet. Wesley has news, Lorne calls everyone pastry items and Angel and Spike find their life taking a ra
1. Chapter 1

**A Surprising Turn of Events**

Spike walked up to the reception desk, giving Harmony a nod in greeting. "Hey, Harm. Know what this whole meeting things been called about?"

Harmony smiled a hello in return, perkily stapling papers together. "Hey, Spikey! No, I'm not sure what it's all about. Lorne and Wesley, and well, everyone, marched right into the meeting room about half an hour ago. " The stapling paused as she gave Spike a pensive look. "You didn't steal the Viper and crash it, did you? Or steal the Viper and crash it into a schoolyard? Because you know how cranky Angel would get if you smashed up his favourite car. And then he'd be all broody with all the, 'Argh, my car killed school children' and the whole big guilt routine." She gave another heartfelt sigh and shrugged a shoulder. "I was really hoping to skip work early today and he'll never let me if he's in a snit."

Spike took his eyes off the secretaries he'd been watching when he heard a pause in the monologue. "Huh, what? Look never mind, guess I might as well square my shoulders and barge into the proverbial lions den." He tugged on his dusters lapels and strode up to the door. "Wish me luck, yeah?"

Harmony threw him a slightly worried smile and a wave as Spike swung open the doors and waltzed in.

Angel, Wesley, Gunn and Lorne were huddled around the meeting table, stopping their heated discussion quickly and turning to stare at Spike with looks of discomfort.

"Well boys, whatever the news is it obviously isn't good, so why don't you just tell me what's going on." He grabbed a chair and spun it out, throwing himself down into it before resting his hands on the table. "And might I add I haven't nicked the Viper. Or run over school kiddies in it." He shook his head ruefully. "Yeah, never mind that last bit."

The others looked at each other, not knowing where to start. Gunn subtle foot tapping on Wesley's leg became outright kicking until Wesley finally mouthed an indignant 'Ow!' at Gunn and cleared his voice to begin.

"Spike, we've had some unusual reports come in from the security scans that are used when entering the building's premises." He cleared his throat once more and grimly looked at Spike. "I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but, well, we have reason to believe that you're pregnant."

Spike's face was a blank for a second before tuting loudly and rolling his eyes. "Well, how about that then."

Everyone stood about him in a half-circle intently watching for a reaction and were strangely disappointed when Spike just raised his eyebrows and stared back at them.

Gunn bravely spoke up first. "That's it? That's all you're going to say? Spike, your pregnant, like, WOMAN pregnant! Doesn't that freak you out?"

"Charlie boy, I've been chipped, beaten up by Hell Gods, driven insane by a soul, burnt alive and brought back to life by a piece of costume jewellery, and been dumped for a demon which was fifty percent antlers and slime. Of course I'm pregnant. Because god knows fate has royally fucked me over enough times."

There was a small laugh in the heavy silence. "Dru dumped you for a Chaos demon?"

Spike glared over at Angel. "Way to focus on the important things."

"I'm just saying, they're not the prettiest things. Kind of smell to." Angel let out another laugh. "And Dru dumped you for one. Wow."

Wesley decided to jump in quickly before purchasing had to order yet another batch of furniture. "Yes, thank you Angel. Now, Spike, do you have any idea at all how this may have happened?"

Spike shrugged his shoulders. "A Wizard did it."

"I'm serious, Spike. We need to know what happened in order to know how to approach this. Do you have any idea at all?"

"I'm telling you, a sodding Wizard did it." Spike rolled his eyes. "Look, I was at the pub, having a few pints, went to check out the pool table and knocked into some bloke, sent half his beer down him. Next minute there's magic pixie dust coming out of his pocket and I've got a rack out to here and my willy's gone walkabout."

There were frowns all round and discrete internal battles not to cross legs in shared masculine terror.

"So how did you know he was a Wizard?" Wesley asked, curious.

"Because he said, and that's what happens when you spill beer on a Wizard."

"Oh, right."

Spike shrugged his shoulders again. "Got lots of drinks bought for me, got to go into the ladies, for curiosities sake mind, and then after a good nights sleep, it wore off."

'Okaay," Lorne said, "Well the wizard might explain how Blondie Momma Bear –

"Oi!"

" - got gender switched, but how on earth did you end up placing an order in for Mr Stork?

Angel clapped his hands together, rubbing them vigorously. "Well, I'm sure that part's not important. But what is, is trying to…"

Spike's eyes narrowed down into slits of annoyance. "Angel did it! He's to blame! Went over to doss down on his couch and then he got me all drunk and vulnerable and shit, and knocked me up!"

"Angel! Shame on you", Lorne cried out as everyone stared at Angel with varying degrees of horror.

"Oh, please." Angel yelled indignantly. "Got you drunk? When are you not drunk? And then there was the whole staring at me, and touching, and going on about new car smells and getting behind the wheel and giving you a test drive. How is that taking advantage?"

"Yeah right, like you weren't doing your fair share of staring yourself!"

"You came to my door with breasts, Spike. Of course I was going to stare! Especially with that t-shirt barely covering anything." Angel crossed his arms, refusing to look at anybody and muttering. "Bouncing about the place." He lowered his voice even further but the word nipples snuck out.

"That's lovely, Angel," Wesley said dryly, "And perhaps you'd like to stop there."

"Oh bloody hell!"

"What is it?"

"My jeans!"

"Your…jeans?"

"Yeah, just bought the bloody things, didn't I," Spike said glumly. "Brand new and fifty bucks. Christ, I'm going to get too fat to wear them aren't I? Going to end up in tracksuit pants with egg down the front of my sweatshirt, shuffling around in slippers and crying when I can't get the right flavour of ice-cream."

Wesley sighed. "You're pregnant, Spike, not geriatric."

"God, I hope the baby doesn't take after you, Angel. It'll be some huge monstrosity with a monobrow and a forehead you could rest your beer on. And that's just if it's a girl."

"I don't have a monobrow", Angel yelled. "And please, like it will be any better off taking after you. You'll end up giving birth to a couple of cheekbones and a lower lip."

Spike slowly blinked as comprehension sunk in. "Birth?" He suddenly sprang upright in his seat. "Birth! Bloody hell, how on earth does that work out?" Spike's eyes darted about with increasing horror as he slowly turned white, then green, and then white again. "That's it, I'm cutting the sodding thing out now."

Wesley wearily ran a hand over his face. "Spike, you're not cutting it out. At least not at this stage. We need to find out more about this, see what you are in fact carrying. Whether it's demon or human or a combination of both."

Spike slunk further down in his chair. "Great, more scientists poking and prodding, just what I need."

Lorne gave Spike a sympathetic look and tried to change the subject onto a slightly less lab-based topic. "So my glowing little muffin cake, have you thought about names?"

Gunn winced slightly, waiting for the ranting, and quite possibly, the raving. He was surprised though when Spike swung in his seat towards Lorne, leaning over with a serious look on his face.

"I was thinking maybe John or Elizabeth. Good solid English names, you know. Something traditional."

"You're naming it now?" Angel said with a dubious raise of his eyebrows.

"Well, yeah," Spike retorted. " If I name it it's less likely to make me want to rip my guts out with my own hands and flush it down the loo." He patted his stomach fondly. "Isn't that right, Elizabeth."

Angel kept his head down, his voice quiet. "You can't call it Elizabeth."

"I see, and why can't I call my fucking baby what I want?"

"Because." He lowered his voice to an angry hiss. "Because it's Buffy's name. It's too creepy."

"You total git! Her real name is Buffy, not Elizabeth. For whatever bad taste reasons that's what's on her birth certificate." Spike leapt out of his chair, a finger of indignation waggling at Angel. "And furthermore Buffy has green eyes not blue! You moron. Oh, Buffy is my One True Love. Wanker!"

"What are you on about?"

Spike threw his arms up in the air in frustration and sat back down again. "Oh, nothing."

"Wesley, can hormones kick in five seconds into a pregnancy?"

"Fuck you."

"Trying for twins now are we?" Wesley muttered as he rearranged his papers.

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere. We need to get Spike down to the lab, get him checked out," Gunn raised a placating hand. "Quickly and with the minimum of prodding. And find out what we're dealing with here. Agreed?"

Lorne laid a reassuring hand on Spike's shoulder as he saw his increasingly dejected face at the thought. He gave a nervous laugh and patted Spike's slumped shoulder. "Don't worry my little bun warmer, there's always a good side that can be found to any situation."

Spike raised his eyes to give Lorne a dirty look. "Let me see, I'm up the duff, I live in a mouldy shoebox, I've got no regular income coming in, I can't drink or smoke for nine months and…" Spike waved his hand about fumbling to come up with a fifth. "And I'm unwed!"

"Have you completely lost it," Angel asked in horror.

"I'm just saying, how's it going to be when I have to sit down little Johnny and explain to him that he's a bastard. Taking after your side of the family in that regard I'd reckon."

Gunn snorted. "I think Johnny's gone to have enough issues when it find out his parents are two dead male vampires" He paused for a second in awe. "Man, that's going to be one hell of a messed up kid."

"Uh, hello!", Angel snapped. "Johnny, Elizabeth, whatever the hell's in Spike's stomach, is going to turn out just fine."

Spike let out a small groan, shuffled back into his chair and rubbed a hand across his forehead. Lorne looked at him with concern. "You feeling alright?"

"Feeling a bit off. Probably just a bit hungry that's all." He suddenly frowned. "Hey, you don't think this is hurting the little nipper, me being peckish?"

Angel looked up the ceiling, clenching his jaw. "Spike, stop the act and just…" With a heaving sigh he stopped and changed direction. "Look, just stay there, I'll go get you some blood." He hoisted himself out of his chair and strode out of the door as Spike weakly raised his hand in thanks.

Spike perked up in his chair and shot the rest of the gang an evil smirk as the door swung shut. "Well, would you just look at that. There really is a good side to all of this after all."


	2. Chapter 2

Author note: Have to confess that this was an experiment to see if I could write believable mpreg fic. The answer unfortunately is no and this delved very quickly into OOC badness. Sorry!

**Chapter Two**

Just another day at Wolfram and Hart, a meeting room with requisite papers and pens and styrofoam cups sprinkled about like office confetti, a quorum of the 'fang gang' discretely looking at watches and feeling their jaws ache under the pressure of not wanting to yawn, a pregnant vampire pacing about the floor while an equally annoyed vampire sat down in his chair and leaped out again like an overactive angry jack in the box as words rolled about the room. The others wisely kept their heads down and quietly conferred over a piece of paper, a menu for a takeaway restaurant down the road as vampires threw their arms about and paced around them.

'This is just balls!', Spike yelled. 'Why the hell can't I get out there, let some steam off. I'm dying here in this bundle of cotton wool that you're smothering me in. Dying, Angel! I need violence, mayhem! Not just sitting on my arse watching talk shows and eating a chocolate box assortment of blood every day!' Angel raised his eyebrows in disbelief. 'Yeah, well, not saying that's exactly a hardship, but I need more than that. I need getting my hands in, fists and fangs, elbows and...erm, fangs!'

'Spike, it's just for a short period of time. Look, as soon as you've done with the delivery you can, I don't know, hand over the baby and run down to the sewers and kill a pack of Lorack demons, or something.'

Spike looked somewhat unimpressed. 'This is blatant discrimination this is.'

'What!'

'Yeah, you're discriminating against me because of my condition. The condition that you got me into!' Spike quickly waved aside Angel's spluttering attempts to interrupt. 'You don't let me back in the action and I'm going to be talking to the union, mate. See how you feel when you're dealing with a law suit for discriminating against pregnant workers.'

'We have a union? You're in the union?'

'Well, no, but I will be now. And you're completely missing the point.'

'No, I'm not. You're being all…pregnant and unreasonable. He's being unreasonable, Wesley, back me up on this one. Tell this hormonal moron what an idiot he's being for wanting to put himself and our baby in jeopardy.' Wesley huddled over further with Gunn pouring over the merits of wontons versus spring rolls and desperately dancing out of the way of the conversation.

'Hey, Wesley, you heard that! Did everyone hear that? The big boss man calling his pregnant workers hormonal idiots? And calling me a bad parent as well? You think I can't handle myself in a fight, you think I would put **my** baby in danger? Mate, by the time I'm done with you the only thing you'll have to your name is a Lada and half a glass of stale orangetang.'

'Orangetang is highly underrated. And anyway you missed out the bit where I called you a moron, _Spike_.' Angel exhaled and pressed his hands firmly against the table in an attempt to calm down. 'Look, I get it, you want the fight, you want the battle. How about we go down and spar occasionally? You get to burn off some energy, I make sure that nothing accidental happens to the baby. Yes?'

Spike pursed his lips as he contemplated the offer, sizing Angel up. 'You think you could hit me while I'm up the duff like this?'

'I'll just stare at your face and not your stomach, Spike. So believe me, I'll be able to hit you.'

'Yeah, alright', Spike shrugged. 'As long as you don't get all poofy and squeamish about it.'

'Hey, not like I haven't beaten up a pregnant woman before', Angel muttered darkly at the table. He blinked once, his head shooting straight up as he got to see a room full of people suddenly giving him their undivided attention with open mouths and horrified expressions. 'An evil pregnant demon person!', Angel hurriedly backtracked, hands up high. 'And hey, she started it!'

Wesley cleared his throat. 'Yes, I'm sure it was perfectly…how about we call this meeting closed.' At that everyone scooped papers into their hands and discretely fled for a phone and a dozen won tons with chow mein leaving Spike to smirk and Angel to do an impressive amount of arm crossing and frowning.

'Ohhh, look at you, all nicely riled up. Bet you'd love a bit of a go around. Wanna give it to me Angel, wanna pay me back with those fists of yours?'

'Oh hell, yeah.', Angel growled. 'But not right now. I'll beat the crap out of you later, okay?'

'You're not just saying that, right? You'll really beat me up?' Spike realised what he said as he saw Angel's amused glance. 'Well, obviously it's going to be you that's going to be kissing the floor.'

'Yeah, Spike, I'll really beat you up or be beaten up, what ever. But right now it's been a long day and I could use some down time.'

'Know, what you mean', Spike nodded. 'Tell you what but I think the baby's taking after you.'

Angel looked warily pleased. 'How do you mean?'

'Bit of a chunky thing, heavy, playing hell with my back.'

Angel decided to ignore the cheap weight joke, after all he couldn't help it if he just happened to have a muscular frame unlike some vampires who looked like a packet of twiglets with a pillow stuffed up them. 'Your back's sore?'

Spike shrugged. 'I feel like I've got a bowling ball sitting in my guts, so yeah, back gets sore sometimes.'

'I could, I don't know, rub your back for you maybe.' Angel waited for the laughter, the taunts, the loud 'poofs' and 'pansies' that was about to be shouted out for the entire lobby to hear which was completely unfair because who was the one that turned into a girl and got knocked up? Well it wasn't him thank you very much.

Spike's eyes went half-lidded and a leer threatened. 'Gee, Angel. Offering to beat a bloke up and then rubbing him down, guy could feel like he was getting swept off his feet.' At Angel's somewhat panicked face Spike's eyes went out of the half-lid and into a roll. 'You coming? Promise to keep my bits daintily covered up if that'll keep your virtue from fluttering.'

See, Angel thought as he followed Spike to the lift and up to his apartment. They called him a poof and Spike was the one with the flirty eyes and the husky sex voice and the talk of bits when it was wholly unnecessary and Angel quickly tried to remember if he'd left the sandalwood scented oil in the left bedroom drawer or in the bathroom.

There was oil, there were backs soothed and rubbed and turned into relaxed jellyfish, there were hands that meandered about to thighs and arms and feet. Bits were shown and a double act of rather jaded virtue was not seen to flutter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

'We need stuff?', Spike declared dramatically.

'Stuff?', Angel replied.

'Yeah, stuff, for the baby.'

'Oh, yeah, of course. Stuff. Sooo, what kind of stuff do you have in mind?'

'I don't know do I! Baby stuff, things that babies need. Like…like, nappies. Yeah, lots of nappies.'

Angel looked vaguely amused. 'So babies need lots of nappies do they?'

Spike nodded earnestly in reply. 'Oh, hell yeah. They're a veritable factory when they're that age. I think we should just fill up a room, right? And then maybe pay Harmony for each nappy that needs changing.' Spike frowned. 'Or maybe Lorne, Harmony would probably end up swapping it for a lipstick while our backs were turned.'

'So lots of nappies. Anything else?'

'Yeah, formula I guess, cause not sure whether I got the whole package deal here.' He frowned and stared down at his chest, fingers coming up to start squeezing his nipples over his t-shirt. 'See, look right here, nothing coming out, looks like the wells are dry and my breasts are dryer than the Sahara.' Spike looked slightly awkward as he stopped fondling himself and looked back up at Angel. 'Forget that I called them breasts, kay? Been reading too many of those bloody pregnancy manuals.'

'No problem', Angel coughed, dragging a pillow on to his lap. 'Sooo, nappies and formula.'

'Not entirely sure what else they need, to be honest.'

'Look, I know what we need', Angel confessed.'How about I give a list to Harmony, she can order it all and then we can get it delivered?'

Spike breathed a sigh of relief. 'Sounds good.' He gave Angel a thoughtful look. 'You all right mate, you sounded, I don't know, a little bit down justthen. Not your usual perky self, if that could ever be said.'

'I'm good', Angel lied, feeling a sudden lurch of his stomach from realising that this was a path that had already been taken before. 'Just tired. How about we godownstairs to work and you can help Harmony with ordering. I've got a ton of paperwork and two dismemberings to get through before lunch.'

'Yeah, probably a good idea', Spike replied with a shrug.'Not that I really give a toss about the colour scheme but otherwise we'll just end up with everything neon pink and covered in unicorns.'

They shared a quick look and shuddered in horror.


	4. Chapter 4

And yes, I'm fully aware that this is cringe worthy bad fic.

**Chapter Four**

'Hey Spike', yelled out a rather friendly Trailorx demon who waved a hand and a left tentacle in greeting.

'Hey, Barney,' Spike replied. He sat down and nodded to the others who nodded in return, waiting to be dealt their cards. Cards flew and heads nodded. 'So, Barney, how's the litter doing?'

Barney, his three rows of teeth showing, beamed happily. 'Great, Spike, great. Had ten in all in this bunch and the Misses hasn't had to eat any of them. Couldn't be happier.'

Spike looked over his cards, tossing out two and picking up what was dealt back in return. 'That's great to hear, mate. Congrats.'

'Thanks, Spike. And hey, hear congratulations are in order for you as well!'

There was a slightly alarmed look on Spike's face and a shuffle lower in his chair, quickly tilting his cards back up when he realised his neighbour was trying to sneak a peak. He went for a rather weak, 'Huh?' in reply.

The wanna be cheating neighbour piped up, and with two mouths that was a lot of noise. 'Yeah, _Spike_, heard on the grapevine that you've been knocked up.' There was a loud bark of laughter while the others stayed quiet and stared intently at their cards. 'So who's the father, Spikey? Who gave you one and stuck a blood sucking bun in the oven?'

Spike grinned and slowly laid his cards down on the table. The other three players as if pulled by strings quickly dragged their chairs backwards. 'Yeah, Spi…' With almost a graceful move Spike had a clutch of hair in his hand and two-mouths had a double dose of table to become familiar with as he took a nose dive. Spike leaned in closely down to ear level.

'It's Spike, not Spikey. Remember that mate, cause it kind of annoys me when people get the name wrong. Oh, and the father? That'll be Angelus. Your CEO. You wanna go laugh at him as well?' Spike paused and leaned in even closer. 'What was that? A no? Sorry, couldn't tell over your blubbering.'

Spike bangedit's forehead down one more time, chips jumping on the table and cards flying. He dragged the demon back up, letting go and tapping him on the cheek while it blinked in fear, tears mixing in with the blood that was seeping out of it's nose. Spike tutted and continued to smile. 'See, look what a mess you've gone and made with the table. So, boys, how about we re-deal the hand and keep on playing, yeah? Only had a lousy pair anyway,' Spike laughed as everyone quickly put the table to rights again, laughing nervously along.

The others drank quite a few bottles of booze that night as Spike slowly sipped his blood and made jokes that the others made sure to laugh at. Unsurprisingly Spike also had a rather good lucky streak, going home with the share of the winnings.

Yes, Spike thought, pregnancy hormones could come in damn useful, especially when they were vampire hormones.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

'You have fornicated with my pet and impregnated him.'

Angel sighed wearily looking up from the paperwork covering his office desk, 'Yes Illyria, can I help you with anything?'

Illyria stood in the doorway and cocked her head. 'I wish to examine you both to understand how two half-breed males could copulate and produce young.'

'What?'

Spike looked up from the couch where he was productively hitting buttons and making a screen beep a lot. 'Apparently she wants to watch us go at it, see how I got preggers.'

'Not helping, Spike.'

Spike ignored Angel and turned his attention to Illyria. 'Anyway love, wasn't us as such that managed it, wizard did it. Turn my bits inside out and as they say, Mr Storks then making a delivery. Though I've got to say that the delivery was pretty damn quick.'

Angel ignored the provocation and stared at his paperwork some more. His delivery service was just fine, dammit.

'You annoyed a keeper of the realm of magic and now life grows within you. In my day magic was but as inconsequential as a shimmer of sunlight on a glacier. We shook it off as if drops of rain and crushed those that might use it against us under our feet.'

'Oh hey, I'm all for crushing in this instance Blue, but as you can see', Spike ran a hand over his distended stomach, 'Magic not so insubstantial now.'

'And this magic created lust for each other? Made you desire each others forms and wish to consummate?'

Angel grimaced in annoyance. 'Illyria, as fun as this discussion is I think there is a fern out in the lobby that wants to chat.'

'You attempt to dismiss me half-breed merely because you squirm, like a worm consumed by its own futility. I go because I desire it and because that particular green has much to tell me.' Illyria paused as she went to leave. 'I approve of your joining.' With that she stalked off, a bee line for one of the planters further down the hallway.

'Well how about that, Illyria herself approves', Angel with sarcasm in his voice.

'Not only that,' Spike piped up from his game, 'apparently the fern in the lobby is right old gossip. Might go out there later with pruning sheers; see what I can get out of it.'


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Since Spike had moved into the apartment Angel had opened the frontdoor after getting back from work to numerous scenarios. There had been poker games, and pizza boxes thrown about the place like a pizza box factory had exploded. There had been Harmony and Spike perched at a table covered in shooter glasses as they tried and mixed everything in the blood range that was stocked like some kind of satanic wine tasting event. There had been loud raucous music and classical music that had very quickly been switched to loud raucous music as Angel made himself heard coming out of the lift. But Angel until then had never come back to find Spike blubbering on the couch.

Angel took a step back into the hallway as if to make sure that it was the right room. He turned around and saw the lift door, turned around and saw the apartment door. Spike continued to make noises like some kind of congested hedgehog until Angel sighed, squared his shoulders and entered into the war zone.

Angel walked in and shut the door, going over to the couch in order to hover and feel completely ineffectual. 'Spike? Spike. What's wrong?'

There was a wet snort and a face damp with various liquids looked up. 'I ate babies!'

'What!' Angel said flustered and perplexed, frowning and looking about the apartment. 'What? You just ate babies?'

'No, not now you enormous moronic cretin, back when. Back when I was a soulless...baby eater!' As if the realisation was fresh once more, that he had in fact been a merry soulless baby muncher, Spike's face crumpled in horror. 'Oh god!'

Angel breathed a sigh of relief, perching himself on the edge of the couch and laying a tentative hand on Spike's shoulder. He saw Spike quickly looking for a place to dry his face on his damp looking t-shirt and quickly pushed a tissue box over. 'It's okay, Spike. It's just the pregnancy hormones doing this, you'll be fine.' There was more patting of shoulders and more frantic nudging over of the tissue box.

'I ate BABIES, Angel, this is not fucking pregnancy hormones. This is the fact that I took these tiny, precious, beautiful bundles of purity and innocence and turned them into portable snack packs! That's what's upsetting me you right twat!' Spike made a face of disgust. 'Okay, maybe hormones have got a bit to do with it, but what kind of father can I be, Angel? How can we raise this kid, being what we are? Knowing what we've done?'

Spike's word lay uncomfortably close to whatAngel quietly thought in moodier times. Not that he had pregnancy as an excuse. 'What we were, not what we are.', Angel said.'The souls changed us, Spike, made us better, made us more.' Angel added a squeeze to the hand he had on Spike's shoulder and realised with relief that Spike had stopped dripping everywhere. 'I'm not saying that we're going to be perfect dads, but I am saying that we're going to love this kid with everything that we've got. That no matter what we're going to do our best. That will be there to help each other with this. That we're not alone.' Angel almost felt he should be listening for the violins to start playing.

Spike smiled tremulously, nodded his head, felt his lip tremble and burst into tears again. 'Oh fucking hell, mate. Tell you what, it is the bleedin hormones!' Spike sniffled unhappily. 'Christ, if I keep this up my dicks going to shrivel up and I'm going to be wearing a C cup by the time the nippers born.'

'That would be a waste,' Angel murmur.

Spike raised a questioning eyebrow.

'Well what with you not having much to spare in that department in the first place', Angel quickly explained.

'Piss off tosser,' Spike snipped back, happier now that he was on familiar territory. 'Do you wanna watch some telly with me?' Spike picked up the remote and settled back into the couch.

'Yeah, sure. As long as you don't start crying through it all so I can't hear any of it.'

'How about I punch you in the nuts, that way you can sit here and cry with me?'

Angel snorted and looked over at Spike from the corner of his eye. 'How about I buy you a new car.' he blurted.

Spike put down the remote and turned to look at Angel full on, a knowing smile on his face. 'You feeling guilty, mate?'

'Not guilty just…do you want one or not.'

'I'm not saying no to pressies, so yeah, you're on. We can go shopping tomorrow. I'm thinking red, racy and very, veryexpensive.' Spike gave Angel a broad if somewhat watery grin as Angel replied with a small smile of his own as his wallet twinged in alarm.

Spike went back happily to the television as Angel settled next to him on the couch, avoiding the scraps of tissues that were littered about the place. Crisis averted and Angel felt almost smug at his people handling skills, though of course there was the concern that if Spike kept this up it could end up being an incredibly costly exercise. He decided later to recount the days left for financial reasons.

'Spike? Why are we watching lesbian S&M porn?'

'Because there was nothing else on and you can apparently get more than just baby furniture delivered,' Spike replied with a happy smirk.

'You are one very disturbed vampire.' Angel suddenly had a horrified thought of Harmony and Spike sitting about ordering porn together on the work computer. He hoped to god that Spike didn't have Harmony in on this, he didn't dare enter the staffroom as it was. And hang on, whose credit card wouldSpike have used? Angel realised that the finance division was now also out of limits.

Spike snuck a hand out, snagging Angel's into his own stopping any questions. 'Don't you know it mate. Now hush, this is the bit where the policewoman interrogates the busty burglar with her baton.'

'That's not a baton, Spike.' Angel collapsed back into the couch and watched a rather unconvincing interrogation as he held hands with his pregnant male family member. It was a strange life that he led, he mused, but he couldn't help but twitch a lip in happiness.


End file.
